Men and the Women Who Love Them

Types of men I am apparently, inexplicably, attracted to: 

  • occasionally effeminate yet decidedly straight graduates of all-male Catholic high schools
  • the friends and roommates of men I have already been linked with
  • my hotter housemate’s sloppy seconds
  • those who make intelligent comments in class, no matter how much of a public scourge they are

Type of woman I have been classified as: 

  • “messy actress” (due to many pairs of shoes, magazines, and bags of trash on my bedroom floor)
  • “THAT GIRL” (due to pathological inability to have the same feelings for someone that they have for me)
  • “crazy bitch” (derived from “crazy bitch eyes,” a condition I occasionally suffer from when angered) (also possibly due to fact that I have a history of being a crazy bitch)
  • taker of “really intense notes” (in my defense, it’s the only way I can prevent myself from spending entire class periods writing haikus about the aforementioned men) 
  • Boo from Monsters Inc., Franklin the turtle, E.T. (due to large eyes, childlike appearance, bangs)
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