“how would you apply to be a professional cover letter writer?”

To Whom It May Concern: 

My name is Dana Cass and I am writing to submit my resume for consideration for the cover letter writer position. I graduated from Vassar College in May and am eager to break into the cover letter writing industry. My educational background and six years’ experience in the workforce have prepared me well for the competitive world of professional cover letter writing. 

As a student at Vassar, I received extensive training in the fine arts of bullshitting and bragging about myself. My professors taught me to use unnecessarily multisyllabic linguistic vessels to disguise the shallow nature of my analytical writing, a tactic I feel comfortable applying when attempting similarly to disguise the shallow nature of myself. I pride myself on my ability to excrete fifteen pages of crap in record amounts of time, a talent I cultivated every semester at finals time when I realized that I hadn’t read a single reading in full since the second week of classes! Now, as a postgraduate attempting to make my way in the professional world, I draw on those experiences to inspire me in the wee hours as I send in minutely different versions of the same three-paragraph joke of a personal summary to jobs that I’m totally underqualified for, thanks to the fact that I spent four years in a ballerina bubble ignoring the Career Development Office. 

My professional experience has also prepared me well for a career as a cover letter writer. As a retail salesperson, I’m a championship fabricator of facts that will convince you to buy a product that you probably don’t need! I successfully convince every customer that passes through my store that I’m the preeminent expert on, well, everything. Additionally, I am constantly complimented on my reliability and superior performance by my supervisors, who entrust me with increasing responsibility that bears no positive  influence on my tragic, tragic rate of pay. 

If you select me as your cover letter writer, you, too, can reap the benefits of my ability to make everything about myself and my product seem like the eighth wonder of the world. You’ll get an unsurpassed amount of work product, thanks to the insomnia that I’ve been saddled with thanks to the job hunt and my unstable life circumstances! My creativity, enthusiasm, and talent for making an eminently employable silk purse out of a useless liberal arts college grad of a sow’s ear make me an excellent fit for the position. I would greatly appreciate the chance to further discuss the opportunity in person. Please contact me at your convenience to schedule an interview. Thank you for your consideration. 

Best,

Dana Cass

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